Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Highlights of Motherhood

Today was a unique and exciting day.  :)  Let me also say that this post is not for the faint of heart.  Various bodily fluids and excrements will be mentioned.  You are forewarned.  :)

As I was nursing Nellianne she began to expel toxic toots (more lovingly called stinkers in our home).  The stinkers rapidly developed into something a little more intense and, shall we say, urgent.  I quickly sat her up and intentionally held the back of her diaper close to her back.  We've experienced several up the bcak poops here in the Golbov household and I did not desire yet another.  When little Miss appeared to have completed her business, I glid up the stairs to her room ready to change her.  I even double check before laying her down on her back to see if any excrement snuck out of her diaper and up her backbone.  I didn't see any.  I didn't smell any.  I didn't even FEEL any poo.  Oh.  But I was wrong.
I opened the diaper* ever so slowly and inveiled a stinky one.  This is where I wish I had smell-o-vision so I could knock you all out with the scent.  Anywho, I forged on, carefully wiping...and wiping...and wiping until I realized I was wiping UP TO THE MIDDLE OF HER BACK!  That's right kids.  She had a sneak-attack-up-the-back-poop.    I can't even begin to describe to you the event that was my attempt to remove said clothes without increasing the amount of smeared baby poop on my daughter's back.  Suffice it to say that by the time I managed to remove her overalls and onesie she DESPARATELY needed a bathe.  

OH and we had company on the way.  

That's right.  No time for a bathe.  As she balanced on her wobbly legs, naked and talking to  the baby in the mirror at our changing station, I tried to wipe her down enought to put her on the floor to properly clean her.  As I explained this to the happy, poopy Nellianne she thought it was time to increase the days calamity and promptly projectile vomited onto the mirror.  yay.  Good thing it wasn't really another baby she spewed one.  That would be one more person to clean.

I grabbed naked Nellie, moving her to the floor.  She rolled over on her belly and I turned around to grab the baby wipes (PS BLESS the person who invented those!).  In the 2.8 seconds that I turned around - TO GET THE WIPES - she managed to pee AGAIN!  ON THE BLANKET.  THAT WAS ON THE CARPETED FLOOR.  I looked at my naked, poopy, now pee soaked child and said "You have got to be kidding me!"  She looked at me, grinned wildly, squealed, and rolled off the blanket DIRECTLY ONTO THE CARPET.  

Score Nellianne: 2 Mommy: 0

After setting up another area to change her, wiping her down, clothing her and then changing her again (Yes, that's right pee #3...) we ventured downstairs.  Poor Homer dog wanted back inside.  I flipped her to face outward as I let him in.  And them it came.  She leaned forward, as if to inspect my cute socks, and puked.  Again.  ON MY SOCK.  Homer found the game amusing as he wandered in and stopped to LICK OFF MY SOCK.  I then found myself dancing one leg, holding a baby, trying to keep the dog away and remove my sock at the same time.  This resulted in my sock flipping off and landing on the wall.  That's right. Pukey wall.  Who has pukey walls to clean!?  Honestly.  

Then the doorbell rang.  

So - Nellianne's 4 month birthday was one celebrated in glorious splendor.  :)  On a happier note, here are some AWESOME photos of my ever developing girl.  I must say, she is getting quite the personality on her!  :)

Nellianne's thought: "Mom what is Daddy doing NOW?!"

Naked baby likes her toes!  :)

Working with Momma in the office!  I LOVE this whole picking things up stage!

And finally, my favorite.  A surprised face!  :)  

*rabbit trail: Why do they have the cute little muppets on them?!  I mean the babies can't see them - Are they trying trick parents into thinking this diaper changing business is fun?!  If that's there goal they're going to need something MUCH MORE enticing than Sesame Street characters.  We're talking a Wonka golden ticket or, better yet, a pouch with $50 inside.  Then I'd be properly motivated!


Becky said...

Too, too much. All the bodily fluids aside, I can't wait to get started on my adventures!!!
Hysterical post -- Nellianne will LOVE you for this one day. :)

Heidi said...

I love this post. I've had many days like this myself. Remind me to tell you about the day I ended up with puke in my bra. The highlights of motherhood! Call me about a session - I hope to get it done next month!!!

Kate said...

Hey Emily! Wow yeah I know how you feel. Just after Easter Lily managed to have a stomach flu, cold, ear infection and I think she was teething to boot. She threw up on me like 10 times that day and then the next day started in with the runny diapers while I was handling the stomach flu and a sick hubby. When it hits it really hits. :) On a happy note David got me a Nikkon SLR camera for Mother's Day. It is awesome! I will be posting more great pics soon. I just posted some I took with the camera on the blog so check it out. :)